kindertrauma

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Robert on Friday the 13th

Posted on By aunt john

It was 1980. I was 11. My brother said he would take me to a movie that night, and I could just pick whatever I wanted to watch. I narrowed the choices down to THE LONG RIDERS and some horror flick called FRIDAY THE 13TH. So we left that evening and as it turns out, there was rain, heavy rain that night in Savannah, GA. The city itself kind of looks creepy at night, but with the downpour and the streetlights there was a weird orange glow outside as we headed towards the Lucas Theater. So not only were the streets looking eerie, but the theater itself was in an old, Victorian building. (more…)

Food Of The Gods

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Ozone depletion and the melting of polar ice-caps seem like a small environmental price to pay when considering H.G. WELLS' notion of mother nature's ultimate revenge. If the idea of a giant chicken pecking you to death isn't enough to get you to separate your glass from your plastics nothing will. Hayseed farmers Ma and Pa Skinner (JOHN McLIAM and actress/director pioneer IDA LUPINA) stumble across some Texas tea that bubbles from their property. Resembling pancake batter, the gruel has the unique ability to transform animals and insects to abnormal size. The INCONVENIENT TRUTH though, is that once super-sized the denizens of this farm develop an ornery attitude that leaves several unfortunates very dead. MARJOE "Are you washed in the blood of the lamb?" GORTNER and PAMELA FRANKLIN (lil' Flora from THE INNOCENTS!) must battle these abominations, not to mention many an unconvincing miniature and split screen effect in order to stay alive. Besides the faulty fowl previously mentioned, wasps, worms and a plethora of rats must also be reckoned with. This PG-rated late night favorite delivers more laughs than chills, so call some friends and watch this baby with plenty of beer. Just remember to recycle the cans.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Giant rooster attack is one for the ages
  • The nearly transparent pre-CGI wasps
  • Ida's arm being chomped by giant worms is one effect that still effectively turns the stomach
  • Extensive scenes that can only be described as actual rat snuff
  • The ominous carton of milk at film's end

Invitation to Hell

Posted on By aunt john

invitation to hell
After landing a coveted job at Micro-Digitech, hotshot engineer Matt Winslow (ROBERT URICH) packs his wife (JOANNA CASSIDY) and kids (BARRET OLIVER & SOLEIL MOON FRYE) in a station wagon and relocates to them a Californian suburban outpost not unlike the neighborhood featured in POLTERGEIST. What differentiates this adobe-shingled enclave from other similarly set horror flicks is the inclusion of a very exclusive country club known as Steaming Springs. Matt's college pal and work colleague Tom Peterson (JOE REGALBUTO of TV's MURPHY BROWN fame) and his wife Mary (BAD SEED bad ass PATTY McCORMACK) are all up in the Winslow family grill about taking a membership at Steaming Springs. Problem is, Matt has his misgivings after meeting the club's creepy proprietress Jessica Jones (SUSAN LUCCI), and would rather perfect his thermal spacesuit than keep up with the Petersons. Behind his back, his wife and kids join the club and Matt begins to notice troubling changes in their behavior. Wife Pat becomes insatiable in the bedroom, and obsessed with lacquer-coated home furnishings; the kids grow distant and banish the family dog from the house. Matt finally realizes that his real family has fallen prey to the membership drive of Steaming Springs, and dons his thermal spacesuit to save them from the evil clutches of Jessica Jones. Directed by horror maestro WES CRAVEN, INVITATION TO HELL falls short, literally, in the casting choice of SUSAN LUCCI. While she might come across as larger than life as Erica Cane on the long-running soap ALL MY CHILDREN, LUCCI's diminutive stature, and even lesser acting abilities, are dwarfed by that of URICH and CASSIDY.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • The opening sequence involving the hit-and-run of Jessica Jones
  • Pat becomes a super freak and scratches the insignia of Steaming Springs into Matt's shoulder
  • Matt is attacked by his children's evil doppelgangers, and SOLEIL MOON FRYE channels the voice of MERCEDES McCAMBRIDGE's DEMON

Kinderguest Jacob Lambert of PhillyTurkey.com

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It was a childhood visit to my cousin's house in Blacksburg, VA that scarred me for life. My visits to Dwight's were usually spent playing R.C. Pro-Am, or pool, or baseball, if the weather was nice. But for some reason, that afternoon we wound up in sitting in front of PET SEMATARY—a horror-movie experience that I'm not quite sure I've ever recovered from.

I had actually read the book, so I knew that the whole thing would end badly—but the novel hadn't prepared me for the movie's scene in which the mother finds her crippled sister in a filthy upstairs bedroom. As she looks in, the woman rises from her soiled bed and hobbles insanely around the room, screaming, "Rachel! You'll never walk again! NEVER WALK AGAIN!" As an eleven-year-old, I could handle mean cats and even scalpel-wielding zombie toddlers—but this scene was unmanageable. It was so viscerally disturbing that I had to avert my eyes, but by then, the damage had been done. And besides, I couldn't block out her cackling shrieks.

When I went back to my grandparents' house that night, I was, as clichéd as it sounds, afraid of the dark. I flipped the light off and jumped into bed, afraid not of little Gage slicing my ankle from beneath, but of a demented, abandoned woman with protruding vertebrae. Even today, if I'm stumbling around in the dark and I think of that scene, I break into a minor panic.

I don't know why we didn't play baseball that day.

Editor's note: After an extensive background check, we here at kindertrauma could find no real evidence that Jacob Lambert and PET SEMATARY director Mary Lambert are in any way related. What we did discover though, was Jacob's hilarious satirical news site THE PHILADELPHIA TURKEY.

Kinderguest Andy of Hollywoodsaloon.com

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I remembered this made for TV Movie called SSSSSssssss. It was about a guy who slowly turns into a snake. The visuals of the character in between the metamorphosis scared the hell out of me as a kid. I was terrified by it.

Thanks Andy! All film fans (especially HALLOWEEN fans) should run over to THE HOLLYWOOD SALOON A.S.A.P. and wet their whistles on their incredible podcasts! Check'em out HERE

Official Traumatot: Drew Barrymore

Posted on By unkle lancifer


She established herself as a superior screamer in STEPHEN SPIELBERG's love letter to space aliens E.T. She saddled up next to scaremeister extraodinaire STEPHEN KING for FIRESTARTER and CAT'S EYE. And as a young adult in WES CRAVEN's SCREAM she pulled an audience crushing early departure that would make JANET LEIGH shower her with praise. If Drew's not TRAUMATOT material… nobody is!

Firestarter

Posted on By aunt john


As a result of her parents' collegiate participation in a secret government agency-funded medical experiment involving a drug known as Lot Six, Charlie McGee (DREW BARRYMORE) is blessed with the power of pyrokinesis. With the flick of an off-camera fan to blow back her dirty-blonde tresses, our heroine can furrow her brow and incinerate anything in her path. Alas, Charlie is not alone in the freaky parlor tricks department, as her father Andy (DAVID KEITH) is endowed with a rather powerful power of suggestion, something he refers to as "The Push," that enables him to convince people that they are blind, and drain payphones at the airport of change for quick cash. Naturally, the folks at the secret branch of the government behind the Lot Six experiment, aka "The Shop," wants them captured for further study. The first half of the film is nothing more than a drawn out chase which culminates with young Charlie burning the shit out of a pack of Shop agents on the lawn of a farmhouse where she and her father have taken temporary refuge. Undaunted by the loss of countless men, the head of the Shop (MARTIN SHEEN) dispatches John Rainbird, a psychopath with a clip-on ponytail (GEORGE C. SCOTT), to capture the McGees, and the second half of the movie involves the drawn out testing of the father/daughter mutants. Eventually, the pair tries to escape, but only Charlie makes it out after she rains an assortment of fireballs down on the Shop and everyone who works there. Of the numerous Stephen King adaptations, FIRESTARTER is definitely amongst the lesser fare; however the odd, February-November dynamic between GEORGE C. SCOTT and DREW BARRYMORE definitely smolders.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • The flashback where Charlie ignites her mother's (HEATHER LOCKLEAR in too brief a cameo) cooking mitts
  • Charlie gives the soldier at the airport a hotfoot
  • John Rainbird gleefully describing his plan for disposing of Charlie following the experiments
  • The night Charlie burns down the Shop

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Houston on Jason Goes To Hell

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The scene with the melting policeman character (whose body Jason had been occupying for a while) scared the living shit out of me. This poor guy looked like he was in extreme anguish. Absolutely terrifying.—-To top it all off I was about 6 when I saw it!

Cat's Eye

Posted on By unkle lancifer


KAREN BLACK, watch your back! You think you own the corner on horror anthologies? Well, lil' DREW BARRYMORE has got some wigs up her sleeve too. She makes playing four separate characters look like child's play in this whisker-licking STEPHEN KING penned comedy-horror hybrid. Her first appearance? A magic mannequin that sets a wayward feline on a vision-quest. Ever played a mannequin before Karen? Didn't think so. Next up, Drew is JAMES WOOD's mentally handicapped child in the black comedy showcase "Quitters Inc." Here the unstoppable Drew sports oversized glasses, talks slower than normal, and is threatened with electrocution if her dad doesn't nix the nicotine.(Don't people usually get nominated for OSCARS when they go GUMP? I guess not when all of Hollywood is jealous of how cool you are, like in Drew's case!) This story is also laced with more danger for our cat pal who must escape being used as a guinea pig! In story two our little Drew is spotted in a cat food commercial wearing an ANNIE fro. Go Drew GO! It's called "The Ledge" and the cat's in it too, along with the meanest pigeon you've ever seen. He pecks ROBERT HAYS' foot while they're both a jillion stories high trying to escape a cuckoo cuckold from Jersey. Finally our Puss find's his way to the final story which is always the best one. This segment is named "General" and now so is our cat friend. He must protect America's darling from a harlequin-hooded troll that wants to steal her precious breath! General's major obstacle is Drew's bitch of a mom who won't listen to reason and thinks she's the center of the universe. This character was obviously based on real-life spaz JADE BARRYMORE. Anyway the dumbbell mom tries to put the cat to sleep but fails miserably and before you can say "euthanasia" General returns to save the day! And when I say "save the day" I mean participate in the rockingest throw down that has ever graced theater screens EVER! Now Drew and her Cat can live happily ever after and look forward to a future without wigs! 

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • This cat is so awesome that he foils both CUJO and killer car CHRISTINE both on the same day! If anyone knows how he configures into the DARKTOWER series please email me!
  • ALAN KING rules as the head of "Quitters Inc."
  • Suicide is not an option in a universe that is home to a film that features a cat putting a troll on a record player and then playing it faster with his paw at DREW BARRYMORE's command! This scene could put Bellevue out of business for good!

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Matt N. on Watership Down

Posted on By unkle lancifer

(WATERSHIP DOWN) was shown to our 3rd grade class on a rainy day. It ruined my life.

Editor's note: I would like to officially announce my first ever Traumafication-by-proxy which took place while hunting down an image for this post. WATERSHIP DOWN is a veritable nightmare that has now ruined my life as well. Thanks, Matt!

P.S. Matt: Whatever you do, do not click HERE